Torn
by Penybright
Summary: New songfic ~His voice was flat and emotionless as he told her. She could see the pain in his eyes though. He didn't want to have to kill again. His past sins still haunted him. ~ 1xR


Body ~ Warnings: Those of you who find Relena bashing fun should leave now. Also, this fic contains the issue of suicide, so if you can't handle it, I suggest you leave. 

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing doesn't belong to me, nor does the song "Torn" by Natilie Imbrulia. I have merely borrowed them for the use of this fic. 

Torn 

By: Penybright 

~*~ 

I thought I saw a man brought to life 

He was warm he came around like he was dignified 

He showed me what it was to cry 

Well you couldn't be that man that I adored 

You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for 

But I don't know him anymore 

There's nothing where he used to lie 

My conversation has run dry 

That's what's going on, nothing's fine I'm torn... 

~*~ 

Relena Peacecraft-Dorlain walked calmly along the deserted beach. This place held so many memories for her. She had first met him here, on this very beach. He was a fallen angel to her then, someone who brought excitement and vigor to her humdrum aristocratic life. True, he also had brought a great deal of pain, all though unintentionally. But, the deepest pain he caused was that to her broken heart. 

Heero Yuy, "The Perfect Soldier", stole Relena's heart. He mercilessly held it in his grasp. She had tried so many times to forget about him, to erase him from her life. He always came back to haunt her. 

Yes, Heero Yuy had taught her how to cry. So many times she had cried over him. She cried because his soul was so lost. She cried because he couldn't, and she cried because she knew he would never reciprocate her feelings of affection. 

She had thought that over time, Heero would open up a little. She had tried her best to heal his emotional wounds. Some progress was made, but before she could really get anywhere, Heero had shoved her away. Heero had a heart of stone, and a will of iron. He didn't want her to get close for fear of being hurt, or hurting her. That had struck Relena deeply. She had thought he knew she could never hurt him, intentionally or otherwise. 

After that, Relena found it difficult to be around Heero. He retreated into his old shell of apathy. Relena tried to talk to him, to make him understand. In the end, Relena ran out of words. Nothing she said worked, and she stopped trying. Words could only do so much, and they had failed. 

~*~ 

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel 

I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor 

Illusion never changed into something real 

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn 

You're a little late, I'm already torn... 

~*~ 

Relena sighed as the gentle waves lapped at her bare feet. She watched the sparkling obsidian water swirl around her feet as it was pulled back out to sea before returning again. Reaching inside the pocket of her sun-dress, Relena fingered the razor-blade found there. 

She had come here for a reason tonight. Her mind was set. She had carefully thought about her decision, and decided that this was for the best. Her friends might not approve, her family might not approve, the world might not approve, but it wasn't their decision to make. They could never understand. They had no idea what it was like to be in her position. 

Blinking back the tears that had begun to form, Relena tilted her head back to look at the evening sky. The sun was just beginning to set. The fiery orb illuminated the darkening sky as it continued its arc. It cast its dying light, warming the skyline with vibrant autumn colors laced through with a tinge of violet. A single tear slipped out as she saw the first star of the evening appear. 

~*~ 

So I guess the fortune teller's right 

Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light 

To crawl beneath my veins an now I don't care, I have no luck 

I don't miss it all that much 

There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn... 

~*~ 

In the end, did anything matter? Relena had devoted her entire life to maintaining peace. She had been unable to hold onto that as well. She preached and lectured, giving so many speeches. Had the people even listened to the words, or just her pretty voice? No matter how hard she tried, they didn't seem to hear what she was saying. Had the past two wars taught them nothing? 

Apparently Mariemaia had been right. The Earth and Colonies were destined to always remain in conflict. Mankind could never escape the clutches of war. Peace may have been attained for a while, but in the end, war would erupt again. 

More tears spilled over as Relena thought of the current events. The Earth and Colonies had ended their twelve years of peace, and engaged in another war. Relena had tried in vain to stop it. She had argued till she was breathless and lost her voice. No one listened, no one cared. 

How many more would have to suffer and die this time? For once couldn't history not repeat itself? Was the universe so dense, that they couldn't see the suffering they would cause? And then, there was _him_. Heero had said he would never have to hurt another again, because of the peace that had been attained. Relena knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would be forced into the conflict. He was a Gundam pilot, an irreplaceable commodity in a war. 

Relena didn't want to see him get hurt again. She didn't want him to suffer anymore. He had endured enough, as had she. They had all suffered enough. She was useless in this time of war. Her words fell on deaf ears. It was time to end her suffering. She had suffered for so many years... 

~*~ 

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel 

I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor 

Illusion never changed into something real 

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn 

You're a little late. I'm already torn. 

Torn 

There's nothing where he used to lie 

My inspiration has run dry 

That's what's going on, nothing's right, 

I'm torn... 

~*~ 

Taking a deep breath, Relena pulled the razor-blade out of her pocket. She stared at the lethal edge, watching the dying sunlight glint off its honed blade. To think, that in the end, this is what fate led her to. 

Relena knew she was taking the easy way out, but... Everyone always told her she was so strong. Relena found their statements to be ill placed. She wasn't strong, just stubborn. What little strength she had left to fight with had dissipated when he had told her the thing she dreaded to hear. 

He had asked to speak with her privately. He knew what he had to say would upset her, but he had no choice. After all she had done for him, she deserved to know. It was better to tell her than just disappear from her life without a trace. Relena had invited him into her study, sitting down in an attempt to calm her nerves. That's when he said the words that shattered her world. 

"The Colonies and Earth have declared war. I've been called into service. I leave tomorrow." 

His voice was flat and emotionless as he told her. She could see the pain in his eyes though. He didn't want to have to kill again. His past sins still haunted him. 

"Heero... I'm so sorry," Relena breathed as tears began to form. 

Heero turned his back to her, not wishing to see her grief-stricken features. 

"I just wanted to let you know... that I probably won't be coming back. I've been chosen for a suicide mission." 

Heero's voice was soft and low. Relena almost didn't hear what he said. When it sunk in, her tears flowed freely. 

"No..." 

"Good-bye... Relena," Heero murmured as he walked out the door, not once looking back. 

~*~ 

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel 

I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor 

Illusion never changed into something real 

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn... 

~*~ 

Relena let out a choked sob as she fell to her knees in the soft sand. Tears blurred her vision as he pulled the sharp blade across her wrist. She almost welcomed the pain it brought. It distracted her from her painful memories. 

Everyone she knew was drawn into the war. Her brother Millardo, and his wife Noin, Wufei and Sally, Quatre, Trowa, Dorothy, Duo and Hilde... Their lives were all being put on the line. She felt responsible in a way. She should have fought harder for peace... There was only so much one person could do alone though. 

The waves lapped hungrily at her knees as streams of crimson flowed out with the tide. Relena laid down on her back, feeling tired and drained. She gazed up a the evening sky. The deep, mysterious blue reminded her of his eyes. So full and deep of hidden treasures. 

Water swirled around her prone form, pulling her lifeblood out to sea. Blood stained the sand around her, imprinting her presence there. By morning all traces would be gone, her body pulled out to sea by the tide. She would disappear into the deep blue depths, not the deep blue depths she wished to disappear in though. Those oceans were forbidden to her. And now, now she'd never have a chance to explore them. He was gone. She hadn't held onto him tenaciously enough either. It seemed the things she held most dear, were those that escaped her easily. 

Relena's limbs became leaden and numb as she began to loose consciousness. It would all be over soon. She would finally have her peace. The rest she so deserved would finally be hers. 

~*~ 

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel 

I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor 

You're a little late, 

I'm already torn. 

Torn... 

~*~ 

Relena stirred slightly at the sound of running footsteps slapping the wet sand. There was a dull smack as someone collapsed to their knees beside her. Relena felt a pair of strong arms gather her into a warm embrace. Her eyes fluttered open lazily to see who her visitor was. 

"Heero?" 

Wide Prussian blue eyes gazed at her, their icy depths swimming with emotions. 

"Relena," Heero whispered, holding her tighter. "I came back for you..." 

Fresh tears flooded Relena's eyes. She had given up to easily. She should have had more faith in him. 

"Funny," she smiled wanly. "I always thought our positions would be reversed in a situation like this..." 

"You shouldn't talk. Save your strength." 

"It's to late Heero. You can't save me this time." 

"Don't do this to me Relena," Heero said, slight panic filtering into his voice. 

"I'm afraid, that neither of us... has a choice in the matter," Relena sighed, her eyes beginning to slide shut. She was so cold, and so very, very tired. 

"Relena," Heero said urgently, shaking her lightly. 

"Heero... Before I go... I want you to know something," Relena choked out, painfully reaching a bloodstained hand up to cup his cheek. Heero's eyes closed, and he took her hand in his, holding it where she had placed it. 

"I know," he whispered faintly. "I know." 

Heero's eyes opened and he leaned down, softly brushing his lips against hers. Relena sighed and went limp in Heero's arms, her hand falling from his face. 

"I love you too," Heero choked out, his voice breaking as he blinked back tears. "My angel..." 

~ Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Critiques? 


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